I’m thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, but his birthday is coming up. Should I postpone the inevitable until after his big day?
It’s hard for me to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. Why do you want to break up with him? Are you fighting all the time? Have you met someone else? Or have you simply realized that he’s not “the one” and that it’s time to move on?
You didn’t mention how long the two of you have been seeing each other or how serious your relationship is. If you’ve only been going out for a few months, break up now before his birthday. If you’ve been an item for longer than that, waiting until his big day is over is probably the best idea. Keep in mind that regardless of whether or not you’re the “dumper” or the “dumpee,” breaking up is hard to do (remember the song?). A significant relationship in your life is about to end, or at least change.
Whatever your reasons for thinking about breaking up, you need to:
- Make a decision and then make a plan. Choose an appropriate time and place to meet. No guy wants to be dumped during halftime at a football game. Be sure to do it in person – don’t send an email, don’t write a “Dear John” letter, and don’t break up over the phone.
- Keep your decision to yourself. No one wants or deserves to find out secondhand that you’re planning a breakup.
- Be very clear about what you want. Don’t send him mixed messages. Breaking up one night and then inviting him to a movie a few days later is not a good idea.
Don’t dismiss the notion that he can remain your friend, though. One of my best friends is a man I dated years ago. Just because you won’t see each other every day or share the same intimacy doesn’t mean he’s not a great guy – he’s just not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. But make a clean break, at least for a while, to allow for an easier transition from being intimate to being friends. Put away all your pictures of him. You don’t have to throw them out – just put them away.
On the other hand, you also need to be prepared if he does not want to pursue a friendship after the breakup. Spending time with you might be too painful for him, especially if he has fallen deeply in love with you. If this is the case, give him the space that he needs to recover. Even if you never end up sharing a friendship, you’ll know that you were considerate and understanding of his feelings.
Paul Simon sings about 50 ways to leave your lover. I think there are only two – a right way and wrong way. Whatever you decide to do, do what’s right for you.