I have been with my boyfriend for three-and-a-half years – we are practically married. We live together, and even share money. I love him, and feel that he is “the one”, but our sex life is non-existent. While he is the love of my life, I cheated on him.
Does this mean I should break it off with my boyfriend that I love so dearly? If I love him so much, how can I have these sexual feelings for other men? Besides the sex, everything else is still great. We just don’t have that kind of passion for each other anymore. Is this strange? What should I do?
It is possible to have sex without love and love without sex – that’s how you’ve found yourself in love with one man while having sexual feelings for another. But acting on those feelings is something else entirely and although your affair was a result of larger problems in your relationship you can’t just sweep it under the rug.
I get a definite sense that you want to mend your relationship with your boyfriend but that you aren’t planning on telling him about your infidelity. Remember that trust comes before intimacy and passion – the two of you can’t move towards regaining intimacy without you telling him about your affair.
Sit down and talk. So often problems can be minimized if the lines of communication between people are open. Tell your boyfriend how you feel, tell him about your affair, tell him why you feel you did it and most importantly, tell him how you want to work together to make things better. Be prepared for him to feel hurt – think how you’d react if it were you – and be prepared to take the time to rebuild his trust again.
It’s important to realize that what the two of you are experiencing is not uncommon and you can successfully move past it. Passion is like a tide – it comes in and is drawn out at various times throughout a relationship. Part of it is that you get so wrapped up with everyday life that you forget to set time aside for the two of you; part of it is that you become so comfortable with one another that you forget to make the extra effort at times. It doesn’t mean that the underlying love and desire isn’t there, they’ve just been “buried” under your daily life.
The two of you need to focus on nurturing the passion back into your relationship – it may take time, it may take rebuilding trust and it may take some outside professional help, but you should be able to regain the intimacy you feel you are missing.