Is it normal never to want sex? I’m 21 and have a deep fear that I will always be alone because I never want sex. I did have a deep, sensual, committed relationship throughout high school into freshman year of college, but I haven’t dated anyone else in the past three years. I am quite lonely and I miss being sensual. I’m afraid to start anything because guys expect sex, don’t they? Who would ever marry someone who doesn’t want sex?
No, it’s not normal never to want sex.
But that’s not really what you’re asking, is it? What you really want to know is if there’s something wrong with you because at the relatively tender age of 21, you’re uncomfortable violating certain physical boundaries.
I don’t think there is. And I suspect you’re using “never” here as a measure of the intensity of your present-tense feelings rather than as a time interval.
Sex is a pretty intense business, much as our culture tries to condition us to trivialize it. The legacy of the post-HIV era is fear, and it’s a legitimate fear when, despite all our best public-health-awareness campaigns, 40,000 people in the United States were infected with HIV in 1999 alone. Who can you trust? Someone who respects your comfort levels is a better bet here than someone who does not.
You have the capacity for sensuality. You’ve demonstrated that. My guess is that under the right circumstances — with trust, with time, with commitment — that capacity will flower. If you were 31 and writing me this note, my advice to you would be different. But at 21, I think what’s going on is that you’re setting your own pace. Relax. Don’t think so much about what guys expect; start focusing on what you expect. Guess what? There are lots of guys who like to slow dance.